Sunday, 17 August 2014

Where were you Dad ?

Hi Beauties
I know I won't be the only one who grew up not knowing their dad or meeting them, so I thought I would share with you guys my story on not meeting or talking to my 'dad' till I was 14 and the journey I had to take to get there.

I grew In Cumbria with my Mum, Sister, brother and my step-dad beefy. I had a very simple and family orientated upbringing and looking back it was an amazing time; i really do treasure those times and I am so thankful for Beefy, my step dad,  as he was always there and always will be. Sometimes growing up was overshadowed by the thought .. "does my biological dad even acknowledge my existence?"

Back when I was ten year old I was drawing with my sister when my mum called me over as she wanted to have a chat with me. She sat me down and looking back,  her face was quite sad and she was reluctant to tell me that Beefy, 'my dad',  was not my real dad. When she told me I honestly did think she was joking and I laughed to begin with but after a while I eventually realized she was telling the truth. Emotions ran in my in mind thinking why didn't he call? why did he not visit me? why he never bothered to send me a  Birthday card . My mum had photos of the time she lived with him in Essex and pictures of her and him,  even baby pictures of myself. I even found that I had more siblings down there, It was a time in my life that was very shocking and hard to endure.

After a few years I decided I wanted to look deeper and find my dad so when I was 14 my mum looked in the phone directory and she found my dad's sisters number.  Luckily, she was still at the same address and still had the same phone number. It took me a few days of heartache and wondering whether or not  this was a good idea. That day with my mum standing next to me I finally plucked up the courage to phone my aunt in Essex, I had a quick chat with her and asked if she had my 'dads' number, she did ! After the chat I hurried to dial the number which I just wrote down thinking wow I am finally going to talk to my dad! With my heart and my mind going 200 mph he answered the phone and I confirmed it was him by asking his name after which he asked me my name and I just broke down in tears and told him,  "I'm your daughter !". He simply said, "o alright .." We had a small chat but he told me that I could not call him while he was home as it would upset his new family life he had and that  he would call me when he was at work. After a few phone calls over a few months I asked my dad will he come visit me, he kept promising me he would visit me this went on for months which was very frustrating, I even asked him to help me pay for me to actually visit him in Essex and the rest of the family members but he always said he never had the money even though he had a well paid job and my mum even offered to pay. All these factors were the final straw for me so I just kinda gave up hope that I would ever meet him and the rest of my family in Essex.

 It was when I was 19 that my Auntie decided enough and that I should just come visit her so that my dad could see me and also see the rest of my family. When the time did come It was very hard as I had to travel over 300 miles on my own which I had never done before and spend a fortune on train tickets and money for food as at that time I had very little. At my aunties it was amazing I got to know her more and it was brilliant to finally get to meet her, she is very wise and is a fantastic person I am pleased to have met her and she was great the entire time I was there. On the other hand it took a couple of days for my dad to finally come.  My uncle and other auntie came before that and they were so pleasant , uncle mick was amazing and has the kindest heart. He told me that it was great to finally meet me and my dad was silly for not seeing me for all this time. The day when my dad did come my heart raced so much I felt terrible to be honest, so many thoughts ran through my head and when he finally came and knocked on the door which my aunt opened, I was sat on the chair like a vegetable. I can honestly say every emotion came out I cried so much and just turned away from him as all the years he let me down just all came in my head and at that moment it dawned on me that he did not try hard enough to be a dad, he tried to give me a hug for a bit and when I did finally hug him back it just felt like its a bit late for this with no explanations if you know what I mean. He stayed for about 30 minutes and I got invited to his barbecue the next day. At the barbecue I met loads of family members and it was a great day but it felt like I was thrown in the deep end , he just acted like he had never missed a day in my life it was awkward but I did learn a lot and I am thankful to have met my family in Essex, I still talk to a few relatives now but dad? no its still not great he can't even remember my birthday. Not even a card :(

The lesson I learned now at the age of 24 is i just don't mind anymore I have just gotten over the fact he won't be there for me. He never even congratulated me on the birth of my children nor got them anything. He is connected to me by blood but that is all, he never had a part in raising me and never made the person I am today. My advice to anyone in my situation is please don't think your unloved or try too hard, you are fine as you are! its the parent who missed your life that is in the wrong. You are perfect and you define your life, so look at your life and think wow I have achieved so much and are so thankful for great family and friends. It has worked for me and now I have accepted that its not like a fairy tale... its far from it. I am thankful for my amazing family and such a supportive mum and husband. My husband has come close to going down there and knocking some sense into him, but he's not worth it.
Sorry for such a long post I just needed to share my story, and maybe to help someone who has been through the same.

Melissa Zia x

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